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Dang it!

I’m tired. Had difficulties falling asleep last night, and the alarm woke me up so early. Usually I avoid scheduling appointments before noon, but my Doctor is busy and I had to take the time she had to offer, and it was today, 10 a.m. now I’m struggling to keep awake.

We talked about my diagnosis with the doctor – do I have bipolar disorder, or am I more the Borderline-type? I’ve had the so called Borderland-disorder for since 2006, but one year ago they changed it to Bipolar. I do not feel like it though. I’m impulsive and when I get excited about something, I start new things and talk a lot. I also make decisions quite fast.

But still, my mood swings are usually short, the “fast phase” no not last even for the four days required to be hypomania. And more than manic, I’m impulsive.

I have a different doctor now than then, when I got my bipolar diagnosis. She said we don’t have to make decissions right now. I’ll talk about it with my psychologist, and we’ll see. We’ll see if I should have some more medication. More Happy Pills, yei.

Also, I have an appointment with my neurologist in Feburary. Last summer I was maybe-diagnosed with epilepsy. Like everything in my life, it’s not for sure though. The brainwave or whatever they did on me May 2011 indicated something though.

I went throug some testa last spring, because I had these spasms that I couldn’t controll. I didn’t have seizures, but really violent spasms. I had a hard time eating, reading a book or holding anything.

It was concluded that I’m allergic to lithium, which I was on due to the bipolar diagnosis. But before that they did those tests, and they showed something else too. So now I’ve got an neurologist too, not only a shrink. Hallelujah, am I lucky.

And my luck doesn’t stop there. I developed massive jointpain in November – before that, I had some pain, but in November I had to get some sick leave from work, the pain was so bad. It lasted to the beginning of January, because the doctor (a third one!) just took some blood and they didn’t show anything, so he decided I was fine. Even if I was hurting all the time and the smallest tasks made my pain worse. In January I got a new appointment, and this time he wrote me a medicine that increased my paintolerance.

It helped. At least for now. I have started to have pains again, and I am afraid the pain will come back, as it adjusts to this new medicine.

My psychiatrist do seem to believe me, and she said she do not believe that my pain is due to over-weight – as the worst pain is in my fingers, I too have a hard time understanding how my fingers would ache from my weight.

I do know that I should loose some weight, and I am trying. My weight went up again in December, when I had all these pains, cause I couldn’t exercise and I was feeling really depressed and then I have the bad habit of eating a lot.

My Psychiatrist also commented on my blood. The trombolytes are abnormally high, and my red blood cells are unusually small. It could be explained by anemia, but my hemoglobin is fine. I’ve had this on and off for several years. It’s not alarmingly off, but still, it’s strange. Not strange enough to start looking for answers though.

And, last (for now. The inside of my right thumb has for one and a half weeks felt numb. I do feel pressure at the inside of the thumb, but I have difficulties feel the different between hot and cold and between different materials. My Psychiatrist thinks it is neurological, and sain I should tell my neurologist, when I see her in February.

Anyways, even my Psychiatrist concluded that I have all kinds of these small “things”, nothing alarming, but still…

And oh, I forgot maybe the worst of them all! I, at times, suffer from restless legs. That is torture! Such pain that I feel like beating myself up to make the pain less. It’s just so bad. Luckily it doesn’t happen that often, but when it do happen – maybe about once a month – I feel like killing myself just to get away from the pain.

So, there are little this’n’that about my health, but for now, my meds stay as they are. At least until I meat with my neurologist.

Oh, and I talked to my Psychologist about my late creativity, and how I miss it. She said it is possible that my meds influence my creativity, but that that is maybe the price I have to pay to get some kind of stability in my emotions.

I just don’t know if I am ready to pay that price. Give up my dreams, just so I can live a life of boredom?

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