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What if? – such painful words

I read a quote on facebook:

“Hey Dad… How hard could it have been to buy a condom? Now look what you’re putting me through!!!”

Really, what was he thinking? And what was my mum thinking? I’m the one who has to deal with the consequenses…

“surfed” facebook. Old friends, all of them left behind me. I grew up in a small city, and for five years I dated a boy there. From 17-22 years old. I left him, and with him I left my life there. Now, I’m in contact with only one of my “friends” back then. The only one who was a _real_ friend. I visit her and her family (including my godson – who I call thusly, even if I do not belong to any church), and then I go there to visit my mum, and also a friend who I got close to later.

I’ve been thinking about how it is. Relationships, I mean. I’m now in a happy relationship, and I love Her, My Love. I have been thinking how good it is, to have been young, have tried different relationships and now I can settle down, without any longing for “testing out” other potential relationships.

“Surfing through all those old “friends” I realised that there is one regret I have. I’m all out and proud lesbian, in love with my girl and settled down. But there is this one guy from back then, that still makes me wonder, “what if?”. This one guy, stirring up my dormant “bisexual” feelings.

There was “something” between us, back then, but I was in a relationship with this stupied idiot, and I had a really difficult time leaving him, even when it was clear to me I wanted to. I didn’t dare. And this one cute boy… He was a friend of my then-time boyfriend, and he didd’t want to come between us. Even if there was those times, that we “accidentaly” would touch each other…

I found his profile on facebook. He still lives in that small city. Single. He was always, back then, the quiet one, the dependable and shy guy. He had a twin, and it was the strangest thing. He and his twin was so alike, still not. This shy guy was the “ugly” one, plain and with skin problems and glasses. Maybe that was what made him shy… His twin was the outgoing, dating and breaking girls’ hearts. I don’t remember this shy guy ever dating.

But the eyes. This shy guy, he had such soulful eyes. The sweetest smile. The softest touch.

Coming upon his profile, I stumbled on that old feeling… What if… What if I hadn’t been dating that moroon, would this guys kiss have sent me to heaven?

I’m happy now. Or no, I’m not, but I’m in a happy relationship. I have all I could ever dream of, when it comes to being in Love and in a lovig relationship. I do not want to change my relationship with My Love for anything.

I just wonder… What if…

I have no regrets otherwise, when it comes to leave “that life” behind me. Sometimes I look at these peoples profiles in facebook, silently wondering how they are doing, if they think and wonder about me? I left that guy, and at the same time I had to leave all these others. Sometimes I wonder, what they think about it, and think about me. But I have no regrets about leaving.

Expect… This one guy. I’d SO like to ask him to be my friend. And ask him, how’s he doing.

But I guess that’s not a good idea. On the other hand, asking him, contacting him, might be the thing I should do. To put him out of my mind as my one regret. As the one person, potential relationship, that I left behind and that I’m still wondering about.


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