Feelings. They are hard. Hard to feel them, I mean. Hard to stand them. And most of all – hard to get them.
I’m kinda of an expert on forgetting. It’s gone so far that I forget things I need to remember. Forgetting is my most important means of survival. I’ve just lately come to think about how much I just don’t remember.
Like my relationship with that moron. I know that we ere together for over five years, but the memories I have of that relationship fills maybe a couple of days – a week or two at most. Most of that relationship, I have put out of my mind. And when I think of it, I get anxious and as a reflex divert my thoughts. It is only the nightmares that keeps getting at me. Every now and then, in my sleep I’m back with him, and every time I am panicked and try to get away, but he won’t let me. If I do get away, I’m spending the rest of my sleep being hunted. And when I wake up, I wake up anxious and afraid. Some times even in a state of panic, looking around me, expecting the dream to be reality and afraid of seeing him.
At the psychologist I have expressed my view that is that I find it kinda useless to dwell on the past. Why talk about things that are not anymore? With this I refer mostly to my childhood, but also to my youth. I guess I should talk about this recurring nightmare I have, I guess my relationship with this guy ain’t all in my past when I still have nightmares, and the vague memories I have of that relationship sometimes leaves me unsettled for days – like right now.
I feel physically sick, when I think of this guy. I feel like throwing up right now.
My friend from back then and before that, who was my best friend when I was together with this guy, she still lives around there, and she still sees at least some of the other people from back then. Not this guy I dated though. She told me that this guy is now married with four children. So the likelihood that he remembers me and will come after me is very small. So I should be able to have peace and lay the whole thing behind me. But I don’t. Why can’t I just leave this behind me, why do I continue having nightmares?
I can’t even remember what happened back then that was so bad that I feel so strongly sick when I think of this relationship. I just now that I can’t focus my thought on the subject, if I do I get this feeling of growing panic and nausea.
I do not want to dwell on the past, so why can’t my past leave me alone??