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Future, Plans and Doing Nothing

I have not written anything here for some time. It all started with a terrible flu and tiredness, which just developed into this kinda writers-block. Not completely but sort of. I have been writing some, especially ideas. I’ve had some ideas I really like. But actually forming my ideas into a story has been slow. I have mostly just written down my ideas.

Another reason for this is that the entrance exam to English is only a month away and I have not been feeling like studying and that has given me a bad conscience. I keep telling myself I should read for English, so I can get a job that has at least a little bit of a better paycheck.

But then I get all these thoughts like, do I really want to? Yes, I do want to learn English, but that is CREATIVE English. In the University, it is all about scientific English and interpreting English and so on. If i manage, I could maybe become a translator. Don’t really want to, but.. I keep telling myself I should.

What I want to do is keep this lousy-paid job I have, that allows me to keep writing. And then I could take some classes in English – creative English. But that would me betting all on my writing! Betting my future on actually be so good I could write a book and get someone to want to publish it and actually selling the book!  I do know I have a good story, but it really requires a LOT of work before it is a book. And will my English develop so that it is so good, that someone will actually try publishing my work. I do know the story is good, and I do feel like working with English as a language is something I keep getting better at. But do I really wanna bet everything on that?

But if I manage to get into the University and study, then almost all my time will go to studies. And I will be studying for years. And that means little to no time to actually focus on my writing and do all the research I need. If I start studying English, my book has no way of happening for many, many years to come, if ever.

If I continue like now, I have the time.

I am in a stage of writing right now, that I have some good ideas, and some writing can be done, but to really go further with my book, I need to do some research. If I start doing the research, that would mean I have no time studying for English.

So, with all these decisions to make, I feel paralyzed. As a result, I just let time go by and do nothing. I have trouble writing, because that makes me feel I do not focus on studying, but at the same time I do not study because I fear that if I do, I will be accepted and then my plans for writing a book will just go up in smoke.

So I just watch time flying by with a bad conscience, not doing much of anything.


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