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I am wondering if I have APD – Avoidant Personality Disorder.

I just keep avoiding going anywhere, meeting friends, family, anyone. Going out amongst people is ok, as long as no one talks to me. I hate it when people touch me.

I was to the last of this springs gymnastic class. It is a group for those with pains and ills, and who therefore has a tougher time doing gymnastics. Anyway, since it was the last time, we ended with massage. It was ok being the one doing the massage, but when I had to sit down, and this person I do not know, touched me – even if only back and shoulders – I felt horrified. I just wanted to get up and run out of there, but that would probably have hurt her feelings. So I sat there, wishing for it all to soon be over.

I tend to feel that I am not good enough. I used to try, but nowadays I’d rather just give up. People just irritate me anyways, so why even bother trying to be good enough for them?

If it were not for My Love, I’d probably never meet anyone, except at work. And at work I have this role, like in theater, that I am performing. I do not have ot be myself. I just smile and act polite.

I even avoid seeing my best friends. I avoid seeing the once I actually like, because it has become so hard.

Have been writing some though. At times I like my writings, but then I get overwhelmed. Then I start to feel like this loser who think she can write but if anyone knew… They’d just laugh at my writings.

And then there is the originality. I would like to write something that is in a way original. But what if I write now, and this story is a big one, and it takes time.. What if when I finally have my story written, someone else have had the same idea and has been quicker about it?

“Never think you are anything”.

Its like all those stories about someone doing something they think are original, and then they find out it is all old ideas. They just hadn’t bothered researching first. That is what I am so afraid of. What if I just haven’t stumbled on this idea before, but someone has already written it? There are a lot of books out there. Who am I to think no one has had these ideas that I know have?


2 responses to “APD

  1. Huy you 🙂
    I know the feeling you just wrote about.
    Of course, it is not exactly the same as how you feel, we all have our own personality and little world to shape ideas in.
    Don’t be scared that people’d look strange at you, and especially don’t be afraid of that feeling that you don’t want to see anybody. I have borderline as well, and almost every day I lock myself up just to be alone. But that’s OK. That’s you.
    There is just one thing that makes this ‘behaviour’ ‘wrong’, and that’s to feel guilty about it, or sad.
    So don’t. But instead, love that moment that you are alone, love that moment that you feel the words coming up to your fingers to write down. And use that moment to write your story down.
    You know, it’s very likely that there are plenty of other people in the world who have the same feelings as you. But the difference is that you would like to write a book, a story about it. You have the gift to do that, you write so personal and I’d love to read it when it’s done 🙂
    Just do it, it comes from your heart, your own little world and ideas.
    No one can get in there to steal your ideas.
    So don’t be scared.
    Hit your chance, ’cause words and writing are your way to make contact to the world.
    Good luck you!

  2. diana ⋅

    A big hug from someone who really cares!
    I like you for who you are, you don’t have to pretend to me.. hope you know that and believe it too

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