In the bus, at my way home from work, I was thinking about writing some stuff here in my blog. I had a lot on my mind. Now I’m at home, and do not know what to say.
Thanks to you who commented on my last post, I liked your positive words. I do have to specify though, that I do not write about my own life or problems. I have them, and I am sure they have their part in my writings, but I do intend to write fiction. I do spend a lot of time thinking about what people are like though. As my psychologist said one time I met her, that if you take any random person, s/he could probably be put in some category of personality disorder. They are so general, they fit many. If one really has a personality disorder, it is due to many facts.
As for me, I had the borderline diagnosis for maybe 3 years, then they changed it to bipolar. Now I have been to this center that specializes in bipolar for some interviews by a specialist – and my partner was with me one time – and this specialist says the bipolar diagnosis is not right for me. I will meet her one more time, then she will make her official suggestion on the topic. But this far, I do not sound bipolar, she said. She said I do sound borderline though… Even though that is not her area of expertize – as a psychiatrist though, she do have the general competence, she is just specialized in bipolar.
But as she said last time we met, those episodes that have seen “manic” has more been my always very impulisive nature.
Anyways… To jump from topic to topic, as I usually do. I had this realization some week ago, maybe two. I do not believe in a God/Goddess/or something like that. I was born a Lutheran (Protestant Christian), and in my early teens I went through this really Christian phase when I prayed daily and so on. It passed. Then I started to talk question a lot, and that’s on the way I still am. Sometimes I have these realizations though, and then I can’t believe it that I didn’t see it earlier.
At one time I talked about believing in a Goddess, or several Goddesses and Gods. Then I talked about “The Unnamed” – a neither good nor evil force behind everything, that can’t be described by words. It was this “Unnamed” I was thinking about when I realized I do not believe in it either.
I’m not an atheist though. Maybe I’m most close to Buddhism, have to think about it. I see myself as spiritual – very spiritual even – I just do not believe there is any consious God behind everything. I’m still thinking about it though. I’m in no hurry. I do not believe I have to be saved or belong ot any church or the likes of that. If I suddenly die, and have not yet made up my mind about what I believe in – if I have not “found God” and made peace with my sins or whatever some people think I should do – I’m not worried. My beliefs in that cathegory is: reincarnation. If I die and I still have things to figure out, I am born again. If I’m all finished with this world, I might be born again in the form of a “guardian angel” – that being the Christian word, I know, but I have found no better. Maybe I could talk about being an “ancestor”, like some talk about, but I do not believe in guarding only those in the same family.. “Guardian angel” is just easiest, even if I do not believe in them in Christian terms. And then if finished with that, one can just be… Exist as a part of everything…
About reincarnation, that is the one thing I have believed in, without doubt, for the longest time. I think I was maybe 17-19 when I had this dream… I used to be so worried about dying and that after that there would be only nothing. Then I had this amazing dream, and after that I was not afraid anymore. And after that I have been absolutly convinced about reincarnation. I have thought about it, questioned my belief and tried to see it from different points of view. It just stays the same in my mind though – reincarnation is the “option” that just makes the most sense to me.
About my writing, writing my book. Have made some progress. Should write a lot more though. It is only so hard to write at home, because I can’t get anywhere where there is peace and quiet. Even if I’m home alone, there is our cats.. And then there are all these other distractions, like cleaning that has to be done… I would so much want a room for my own – it wouldn’t have to be big – but a room where I could close the door and just write. But we do not have the money to buy a bigger appartment at this time. But maybe in a couple of years. Until then, I guess I just have to try to write more, I have to try to fight the distractions.
Now I guess it’s time for bed. It is almost 2 a.m. here. I just happen to like the quiet of the night. And I got home only about an hour ago. I was working the evening shift as usual, and it ends at midnight. And then I have to get home, and I’m of course working at the other side of the city… It takes me almost an hour or sometimes more than an hour to get home. I guess in this case a car would be good, but I really hate driving, and then at daytime it is almost faster getting anywhere by bus than it is by driving. And I never have to figure out where to park the bus 🙂