It’s been a long time. A lot has happened. I’m not going to go into that now though.
For many years, Buddhism is the religion I have felt most close to. As I have read up on the subject more, I have realized that it is Zen Buddhism in particular that I find fulfilling.
Zazen is in the center of Zen Buddhism. It is explained as “just sitting”. Sounds easy, right? You just sit there, looking into a wall. I fill my days doing a little of this, a little of that, so one would think it would be easy to take five minutes of to just sit. Five in the beginning, more later. Well, today was my first day doing zazen.
I had two main worries:
1. I have aches and pains and thus have a hard time sitting still, so this worried me.
2. If managing to sit still, how to think of nothing?
To my surprise, neither was the main problem, when doing zazen. I managed to sit quite well, with the help of three small pillows for support. I even managed somewhat to calm my thoughts.
The BIG problem was something else. When I just sat, let the thoughts go and come and thought of pretty much nothing, my feelings got the chance to take control! When not forcing my brain and body to be busy, busy, busy, I got a major anxiety attack!
I have not been feeling well, things have been VERY chaotic in my life since I wrote the last time. I thought I was feeling okay now though. I did not realize, how much anxiety was held back by my busy head, planning and controlling.
I did not even come to think of the possibility. I had thought of emotions yes, I have been trying to for a long time to accept them, feel them, and then let them go. I figured that if they come when doing zazen, i would do just that. I did try to, but I was so overwhelmed! I did not realize I still had so many feelings! So much anxiety inside me. Such a severe sense of worry.
I did not get any thoughts to say what made me feel like this, ’cause as I said, I actually managed to just let my thoughts go and not pay them any attention… I just got the feelings…
I put my phone on alarm everyday at 4 p.m. It says “Zazen” at that time. Today, with a lot of effort, I managed to sit in zazen for approximately five minutes. I got a severe panic attack. Lets see, how it goes tomorrow.