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Painting the Palette

Have you ever noticed that when painting, the mixing palette usually end up looking better than the canvas? Or is it just me, who has that kind of a problem?

So, I finally got some painting done today. I used oil paints. I have not painted for a long, long time. Up in Oulu, in the beginning of this year, before I went back to Hell, was the previous time.

I did some zazen again today. I did not get an anxiety attack, as I did yesterday. I guess it is because I just could not manage emptying my brain today. And when sitting, I suddenly was all itchy. My nose, my leg, my ear and so on. I guess that even if I did not fear zazen and a repeat from yesterday on a conscious level, my defense were up and working for full power anyways – probably due to orders from my subconscious. I will try again tomorrow.

About this chaos. To put it short, My Love is now My Ex. The way she treated me at the end of our relationship, is something I just cannot understand, and I have trouble accepting that I probably will have to learn to live with not understanding. Finally, in July, I had had enough. I left her, because I could not let her treat me as she did anymore.

I am getting my center back. The good thing with having been through hell before is that when you get kicked down there again, you know your way back up.


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