Have you ever noticed that when painting, the mixing palette usually end up looking better than the canvas? Or is it just me, who has that kind of a problem?
So, I finally got some painting done today. I used oil paints. I have not painted for a long, long time. Up in Oulu, in the beginning of this year, before I went back to Hell, was the previous time.
I did some zazen again today. I did not get an anxiety attack, as I did yesterday. I guess it is because I just could not manage emptying my brain today. And when sitting, I suddenly was all itchy. My nose, my leg, my ear and so on. I guess that even if I did not fear zazen and a repeat from yesterday on a conscious level, my defense were up and working for full power anyways – probably due to orders from my subconscious. I will try again tomorrow.
About this chaos. To put it short, My Love is now My Ex. The way she treated me at the end of our relationship, is something I just cannot understand, and I have trouble accepting that I probably will have to learn to live with not understanding. Finally, in July, I had had enough. I left her, because I could not let her treat me as she did anymore.
I am getting my center back. The good thing with having been through hell before is that when you get kicked down there again, you know your way back up.