She needed a hero…

… so she became one.

I read that on Pinterest.

Life is pretty fucked up, you know. It kicks you, when you’re down. If you try to get up, it kicks you even harder. There is no giving up though. Times are tough, but there is no other way than forward.

I’ve been through some rough times, and especially this last year and a half, I’ve been told how strong I am, how it is marvelous that I haven’t given up. That I continue. That I take a deep breath, lift my head high and just continue.

I’m wondering what the darn option would be?

If I just give up, there is not going to come “a knight in shining armor” to save my sorry ass. As a teenager I tried praying A LOT. It  didn’t help either. The only thing that actually helps, is taking that damned deep breath, count to ten/a hundred/a thousand and then straighten your back, bite your teeth together and go on.

I wish there were some “magic solution”, but there isn’t.

If you need someone to save you, SAVE YOURSELF.

No one is going to do it for you.

…

…

…

At the end of the day, at least you can say to yourself, I DID IT.

…

And then do it all over again, the next day.

Painting the Palette

Have you ever noticed that when painting, the mixing palette usually end up looking better than the canvas? Or is it just me, who has that kind of a problem?

So, I finally got some painting done today. I used oil paints. I have not painted for a long, long time. Up in Oulu, in the beginning of this year, before I went back to Hell, was the previous time.

I did some zazen again today. I did not get an anxiety attack, as I did yesterday. I guess it is because I just could not manage emptying my brain today. And when sitting, I suddenly was all itchy. My nose, my leg, my ear and so on. I guess that even if I did not fear zazen and a repeat from yesterday on a conscious level, my defense were up and working for full power anyways – probably due to orders from my subconscious. I will try again tomorrow.

About this chaos. To put it short, My Love is now My Ex. The way she treated me at the end of our relationship, is something I just cannot understand, and I have trouble accepting that I probably will have to learn to live with not understanding. Finally, in July, I had had enough. I left her, because I could not let her treat me as she did anymore.

I am getting my center back. The good thing with having been through hell before is that when you get kicked down there again, you know your way back up.