About my curves

So, my back has really been aching. I called the health center on Monday, and got an emergency appointment to the physiotherapist on Thursday. He did some tests and almost immediately asked if I have been diagnosed with scoliosis before. No, I had not. Well, now I have.

For those who do not know, scoliosis means the back forms an “S” instead of a straight line. Not much so in my case, luckily. But still, I’ve got a curvy back.

The pains is from my lower back though, and because my deep muscles in back and stomach ain’t in any good shape. I have to train them. So I got me a training-program. It takes time before though, to train the muscles, so until then I guess I am in pain.

Needless to say, I am in a foul mood. My back hurts, our apartment looks like a disaster zone, I haven’t slept well in a week at least and my stomach is upset all the time no matter what I eat. I guess I should stop eating all together, at least then I would loose some weight.

Also, the ps3 in the livingroom do for some reason not open the program I want. So I have to watch my programs in the bedroom. Sitting in a chair. It is a good chair if working on the computer, but not to sit back and relax in. Ah well, I guess I would not be able to relax anyway, with this back pain.

On a happier note: I finally got my tooth fixed. Of course I will still need to make an appointment to take care of the other tooth that has a cavity in it.

And to make my day perfect. I got a phone bill, totaling on over 150€. Yiiiihaaaa!!

AaarrGGhhhH BlllääääääaauUUHHhhgggrrrrräääärrrggGGG!!!!!!!!!

Feeling anxious and grumpy and like a little child who just do not want to do anything except pout. My right arm and hand has ached a lot the last couple of days, in addition to my tooth. And I do not want to be at this work anymore.

I’m so tired working every weekend. It takes me over an hour to get home and the busses at night – especially weekend nights – are filled of drunk partypeople, who make me feel ugly and boring. And annoyed, extremely annoyed. I do not want to be drunk, I do not want to be one of them. Still, I’m sorrounded at nights, and that’s making me dread the trip home from work.

Last weekend some girl threw up in the bus at the begining of the journey. She left soon after, but the smell remained of course.

And then they are loud and messy and stink of beer.

And I’m just tired and want to get home.

I’m sorry for this I am complaining post, but I’m just so tired and anxious.

Sitting at work, smiling, not showing the anxiety and tiredness.

Just wanna lay down and sleep. 5+ hours left of work today.

AaarrGGhhhH BlllääääääaauUUHHhhgggrrrrräääärrrggGGG!!!!!!!!!

Plans

I’m planning on beheading myself.

That ought to take my tooth ache away, right?

Finally got an appointment to the dentist today, and they tortured me for over an hour and now my tooth hurts even more and my whole head to boot. I guess it is the “after ache” and it will get all better once the medicines they out in my tooth starts working. In a day or two. Hallelujah.

My Love made me a bag of ice crunch. It helped until the ice melted. Now I’m again thinking of taking of my head to get rid of the tooth.

Dang it!

I’ve written some today. Still, I do not feel satisfied with my work. I feel like I’m tramping in the same place, not able to move on. I have this whole story in my head, but it comes out so, so slowly. Getting on my nerves! And gets me anxious to boot.

My foul mood might be from having a sore wrist. The left one. It easily gets sore, have for the last 20+ years or so, ever since I almost broke it. Had to have a cast on it for weeks. Today it has bothered me a lot. I should get some support for it, but the good ones are expensive. I used to have one, but I don’t know what has happened to it.

Now I’m just sitting here, at work, wondering what to do. Writing just seems to get me irritated right now, can’t get the words formed like I want to (still, I have written at least 1k words today). I feel so conflicted, have for some days. I want to write, but at the same time I only get irritated when I do. I have all these ideas, but it feels like I can’t do anything about them.

I don’t remeber who it was that suggested to me that I should get a recorder, and when I can’t write down the words, I should just talk. But I can’t do that either! If I could talk, form the words by talking, I would also be able to write them down. My problem is more that I know what I want to say, but not how to say it. In part, I see my story in pictures and then I feel it. It is hard to explain. I know the story, but I have problems putting it into words.

I guess I’ll do some knitting. It’s gona be hard on my wrist, but I’ll live with it. Maybe tomorrow I could go buy a support-thingy for it.

Auts!!

I do NOT recommend accupuncture with knitting needles!

The story goes… I was at work, and sat down. What I did not do, was watch where I sat down. Beside me was my backpack with my knittingwork and other things. The knitting needles were with their pointy end upwards, so that the work would not fall off – I didn’t find my stoppers before work. So I sat down, and then I felt a strain in my leg. I first tought that the knitting needles had only been pushed agains my leg, but as I felt the spot, I realized that they had actually went into my leg.

I really got the “what the f***”-feeling, wouldn’t believe it at first. Then I started to feel how deep they were and realized they were not THAT deep, but not all shallow either. and they were there kinda tightly.

I talked with my employer, and we decided that before doing anything about it, maybe I should call 112 – the equivalent to 911 – and ask for advice.

The woman who answered told me there ain’t any big vains there, so I could just pull them out, followed by cleaning the wounds and putting pressure on it and then something against it.

I did it, and it went ok. I got cleaning and other stuff I needed from my employer. It wasn’t even that much blood – I’ve had far more blood coming out of me. It didn’t even hurt then, there was just this odd-feeling spot in my leg, still feeling a little strained.

Now, a couple of hours later, it has started to hurt quite a lot actually. I guess I have to see to it and if it gets infected or something, I have to visit a doctor about it.

I hope it ain’t tomorrow though, because I’m going to visit Tallinn, Estonia tomorrow with My Love. My Love got free tickets on a day trip there. We’ll leave at about 11.30 a.m, then spend about 4 hours in Tallinn and in the evening we are back in Helsinki. I would hate to miss the trip just because I got some knitting needles in my leg…

It is all in My Head

Yesterday was, again, a really GOOD day. NOT. I once again got to hear those words I love so much – that all my problems stem from My Head. I have had these joint-pains for over  a year, and for the last four months they have been really bad. The reason – well, according to the neurologist, it is all in my head.

“All in my head” is not a new reason for my problems. The doctors all come back to that. The fact that I have had problems interpreting what people say since 2005 is all in my head too. And the fact that I quite often mean to say one word, but for some reason I say another word, not even related to the one I meant. All in my head is also the reason that I more and more often have problems forming words – I try, but my mouth just don’t agree to forming the right sounds to make the word. It is a little bit like stuttering, but not really.

I already have a really bad self-image and self-esteem, and it is not getting any better when doctors tell me I’m really well and fit and ok otherwise, I’m just screwed in my head.

Why not decapiate me, get this troublesome head of mine from my shoulders?

Doctor-Day

Or something like that. I had to get up early today, as I have to go and see my neurologist. After that I have an appointment with my psychologist.

I’m acheing all the time again. It is hard to keep a positive mind, when all the time I’m acheing. Especially my fingers and arms. Today I’ll go to my neurologist and see what she has to say about my “Maybe-Epilepsy” and then I guess tomorrow I’ll have to call the health center and ask for a new appointment with a doctor about my aches.

In the afternoon, a friend will come over, that’s something I’m looking forward to.

I think this is too early. I haven’t woken up enough and I seem unable to form any sort of good text. I guess I’ll continue to drink my coffee, and hopefully I’ll have more to say when I return.