She needed a hero…

… so she became one.

I read that on Pinterest.

Life is pretty fucked up, you know. It kicks you, when you’re down. If you try to get up, it kicks you even harder. There is no giving up though. Times are tough, but there is no other way than forward.

I’ve been through some rough times, and especially this last year and a half, I’ve been told how strong I am, how it is marvelous that I haven’t given up. That I continue. That I take a deep breath, lift my head high and just continue.

I’m wondering what the darn option would be?

If I just give up, there is not going to come “a knight in shining armor” to save my sorry ass. As a teenager I tried praying A LOT. It  didn’t help either. The only thing that actually helps, is taking that damned deep breath, count to ten/a hundred/a thousand and then straighten your back, bite your teeth together and go on.

I wish there were some “magic solution”, but there isn’t.

If you need someone to save you, SAVE YOURSELF.

No one is going to do it for you.

…

…

…

At the end of the day, at least you can say to yourself, I DID IT.

…

And then do it all over again, the next day.

About my curves

So, my back has really been aching. I called the health center on Monday, and got an emergency appointment to the physiotherapist on Thursday. He did some tests and almost immediately asked if I have been diagnosed with scoliosis before. No, I had not. Well, now I have.

For those who do not know, scoliosis means the back forms an “S” instead of a straight line. Not much so in my case, luckily. But still, I’ve got a curvy back.

The pains is from my lower back though, and because my deep muscles in back and stomach ain’t in any good shape. I have to train them. So I got me a training-program. It takes time before though, to train the muscles, so until then I guess I am in pain.

Needless to say, I am in a foul mood. My back hurts, our apartment looks like a disaster zone, I haven’t slept well in a week at least and my stomach is upset all the time no matter what I eat. I guess I should stop eating all together, at least then I would loose some weight.

Also, the ps3 in the livingroom do for some reason not open the program I want. So I have to watch my programs in the bedroom. Sitting in a chair. It is a good chair if working on the computer, but not to sit back and relax in. Ah well, I guess I would not be able to relax anyway, with this back pain.

On a happier note: I finally got my tooth fixed. Of course I will still need to make an appointment to take care of the other tooth that has a cavity in it.

And to make my day perfect. I got a phone bill, totaling on over 150€. Yiiiihaaaa!!

AaarrGGhhhH BlllääääääaauUUHHhhgggrrrrräääärrrggGGG!!!!!!!!!

Feeling anxious and grumpy and like a little child who just do not want to do anything except pout. My right arm and hand has ached a lot the last couple of days, in addition to my tooth. And I do not want to be at this work anymore.

I’m so tired working every weekend. It takes me over an hour to get home and the busses at night – especially weekend nights – are filled of drunk partypeople, who make me feel ugly and boring. And annoyed, extremely annoyed. I do not want to be drunk, I do not want to be one of them. Still, I’m sorrounded at nights, and that’s making me dread the trip home from work.

Last weekend some girl threw up in the bus at the begining of the journey. She left soon after, but the smell remained of course.

And then they are loud and messy and stink of beer.

And I’m just tired and want to get home.

I’m sorry for this I am complaining post, but I’m just so tired and anxious.

Sitting at work, smiling, not showing the anxiety and tiredness.

Just wanna lay down and sleep. 5+ hours left of work today.

AaarrGGhhhH BlllääääääaauUUHHhhgggrrrrräääärrrggGGG!!!!!!!!!

Depressed

Feeling depressed. Would like to vent, but… it’s hard. I do not know what to say, that would help. I want to whine and complain, but what good would that do?

*sigh*

Wanna climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and just SULK.

Wanna act like a child acting badly.

Throw things and have tantrums. Even though I’m not mad, I just need to vent my depression and frustration.

I’d like to kick a ball. Except I really suck at sports involving any sort of ball. So I’d probably miss the ball and twist my ancle or something like that. And then be even more depressed.

Just wanna be hugged by my honey, but I’m at work and so is she.

If all turns out to be physically okay with me, or at least nothing serious, I want a different job. This one is otherwise okay, but the pay is lousy and the work hours few and there is nothing secure about it. I want a job where I would have some rights at least – like a confirmed pay day and a confirmed amount of work so that I can rely on getting a paycheck I actually can live on.

*pouting*

(and really, really anxious)

Nobody’s perfect

My Love has a tendency of being cranky at times. Me, I’m the complaining type. I’m not proud about it, but what can I do? I try not to complain all the time, and I do not do it either. But when I get tired or worried or anxious – then I complain.

Now I’m uneasy. Worried. I do not like waiting. And now I’m waiting on finding out matters concerning my health.

Tomorrow morning I have the appointment where they’ll take the ultrasounds of my lower stomach. Then about a week, the doctor said, until I get the results. Then there is the bloodwork, and the gynecologiacal tests and waiting for the results from them.

I do not like waiting.

I sincerly dislike trying not to guess what’s wrong with me.

Also, I’ve got a tooth ache. Again.

I feel crappy.

Have had some ideas for my writing, and have written them down, but actual writing… Can’t. Can’t focus. I’m too uneasy and worried and stuff.

Down. And rambling.

As in feeling down. My flu is worse, which of course means I am feeling better. (“There you have it Flu, don’t mess with me ’cause I’ll treat you BAD!!”) Still not alright though. And for all you guys reading this, YES, it is that time of the month. Hah, you laugh all you want, I’m grumpy.

Tried some writing, only got some 500 words. It was ok writing, got a new idea and all. Still just couldn’t do it.

At my way home from work this guy tried flirting or something with me. Would have been more flattering if he hadn’t kept shaking the whole time, asking me about my opinion of marihuana.

As for the opinion, I’ll just say it’s everyones own business. Me, I’m crazy enough as it is, put me on drugs and the whole world will go insane.

Expect of course those prescription ones. But they are supposed to make me calm, not see things.

I’m kinda naive when it comes to drugs, always have been. Already in elementary school they talked about the dangers of drugs and how even in our small city everyone knew where to score some. I always wondered why no one had asked me, or if I just wasn’t part of “everyone”. I would opt for the latter. Anyways, now I live in the capital, and I still to this day have no idea where I should go if I wanted any illegal drugs. I’ve never bothered to find out, ’cause as I said, I’m crazy enough as it is.

This guy told me all these stories about these women that had treated him badly. This “I’m am just a kind guy, why do women always want bad guys”-rutine.

I guess I attract guys like that, ’cause I’m this not so beautiful looking plump thing, not even close to looking “correct”. Liking colors when it comes to my clothes and hair, I strive to be original-looking more than beautiful. But my clothes are also more comfortable than correct, and I never seem to be able to keep my hair in place. Put too that a tendency to get all lost in thought and keeping to myself, I guess I look like an easy target to come to with sob-stories.

Well, I don’t mind as long as there is no touching. And no, I’m not as nice as I look. As I was smiling and listening to his tries, my head was full of thoughts trying to “analyze” this guy, trying to learn as much as possible of another human being so that I by that can increase my knowledge and maybe use it in my writings.

Later I realized I already have this guy in my story, a big dreamer who turns to drugs. I haven’t written that much about him, but he is there. I have more concentrated of his fathers point of view though.

Are writers selfish when studying others to learn more about human behavior and getting ideas to books?

 

Anti-Social Me

My Love came home from Berlin last night. Today her sister came to visit, anda friend of mine. They sung singstar-songs (and yes, I sang one too, and I REALLY sucked… 😀 ). Now the others went to have a couple of drinks at the local pub. I stayed at home, relieved that I got some time alone. I didn’t feel like drinking or being social. And my ears were hurting from all the singing.

Now, I’m watching NCIS, knitting, and thinking about my writing. I’m not writing right now, I’m doing research, got a book an a subject I need to get more familiar with.

Not so good

That is me. Not so good. As it comes to this week and my feelings about it. I’ve had problems with headaches and due to that, my mood has been rather low. I guess the reasons for my headaches are two; sore neck and shoulders and then that I can’t breath properly.

The last one, my breathing, comes from my cat-allergy. Last fall a doctor put me to take cat-allergy tests, and the result was that yep, cat allergies it is. I do not want to give up our fur-babies though!

It wasn’t so bad at first, but then this fifth cat came to live with us, because his real family is in Asia. He’ll be here to June…

To better my breathing, we finally came around to buy a air-cleaner. We have had it only a day, I really hope it starts making a difference. I also eat allergymedicines every day, and I have a nose-spray. And I also have a nose-can, to rinse my nose with. And then we really should remember cleaning more often.. Yesterday I cleaned and vacuumed the livingroom and kitchen. I hope to continue today, but not yet. My Love is sleeping, she was working the nightshift and came home in the morning. So she will probably sleep quite late.

As to my writing, writing with a headache haven’t worked. I’ve had a hard time to concentrate on anything… I have written down a couple of ideas, but that is all.

I should do some research too. I have to check up on a couple of things, before I can write about them… But now, I guess I have to read some English. Reading a book about linguistics right now.

Writing

I finally got some writing done. Over 4000 words on one day 🙂 I’ve been thinking about this bit of the story, but didn’t write it down until today. Now I can start thinking about a new part of my story.

I’ve decided not to contact my “friends”. Lets see how long it takes for any of them to remember my existance and contact me. I bet it’ll be a long time. It is always me contacting them, and now I’ve had enough.

I’m not the best of persons, I know that. So I won’t impose myself on others anymore. If they want to get rid of me, it has worked.

I’m building a fortress, locking myself inside.

No one even notice.

Bad Day Continued

Been all depressed and angsty all day. And my fingers ache.

Now at work.

Should read english and then write some. Try at least.

I just feel so “no-meaning-to-anything-no-matter-how-I-try-I’ll-never-make-it-I’m-just-a-failure-anyway” and so on.

Depressed and grumpy and I just don’t seem to care.

I guess I’m in need of some more of those happy pills.