She needed a hero…

… so she became one.

I read that on Pinterest.

Life is pretty fucked up, you know. It kicks you, when you’re down. If you try to get up, it kicks you even harder. There is no giving up though. Times are tough, but there is no other way than forward.

I’ve been through some rough times, and especially this last year and a half, I’ve been told how strong I am, how it is marvelous that I haven’t given up. That I continue. That I take a deep breath, lift my head high and just continue.

I’m wondering what the darn option would be?

If I just give up, there is not going to come “a knight in shining armor” to save my sorry ass. As a teenager I tried praying A LOT. It  didn’t help either. The only thing that actually helps, is taking that damned deep breath, count to ten/a hundred/a thousand and then straighten your back, bite your teeth together and go on.

I wish there were some “magic solution”, but there isn’t.

If you need someone to save you, SAVE YOURSELF.

No one is going to do it for you.

…

…

…

At the end of the day, at least you can say to yourself, I DID IT.

…

And then do it all over again, the next day.

Love is a tribble!

Tribble. You know those cute fluffy balls of fur from star trek that multiply if you give ’em even the tiniest bit of affection? Well, love is like that. It is not like a jar holding 10 units of love, and when you give it all away you are left with nothing. The more you love, the more love you have.

That being said, I’ve had one of my crazy epiphanies again and decided to make you all happy by sharing it. (Yeah, I’m the greatest!)

I’ve been feeling kinda down this last week or so. Hurt and lonely and pretty much like a hedgehog – all those pointy sharp thingies pointing outwards protecting me. Keeping everyone at bay. Scared to death to get hurt ones again. Everyone is always leaving me, better stay alone and so on. You know the deal. So, I took a shower. A long one. I don’t know why, but I usually relax and get my thoughts straightened out the best in the shower. I guess I am not the best at conserving water though, since I tend to really loose track of time when I’m there in my own little shower world…

Anyway, I felt absolutely terrible, thinking about how my ex hurt me, feeling even more terrible because I should not feel terrible about that anymore – I mean we broke up over a year ago! Talk about sad and idiotic to still be upset about it! I have a tendency to over-analyze my feelings and to rationalize them instead of just feeling. Then when I try to feel what I feel, I tend to get all upset and anxious and really, really self-judging if what I feel do not coincide with what I think I should feel.

So, being upset with my ex a year after we broke up, is not acceptable – according to my self-judging critic. I might be allowed to still be a little angry and hurt, but not to the cause the level of anxiety I have been feeling this last week.

Thinking back though, I realized that when I do get to this level of anxiety, it is usually due to some unresolved issue. Due to something that is so hard for me to accept, that I cannot even think it. I also know from experience, that once I get myself to dig that thing up, allow myself to think it, then I realize that it wasn’t that big of a deal really. It just went against what I had rationalized that I should feel. I tend to forget; feelings seldom listen to reason. To get this block dissolved and whatever feelings I have buried up in the open, I need to put my inner critic on pause though. That is tricky. Sadly, it usually means I have to go through days of anxiety before I am so exhausted I just can’t take it anymore. Then I take a long, warm shower and then it might manage to force me to relax and then my inner critic might finally be silent for a while.

So, after first spending some time feeling what I rationalized I should feel (angry, hurt etc) , I got so tired I just wanted to give up. Not like dying, but like never feeling anything again. So I just did. I just stopped myself. Then I realized that once again it is my conflicted feelings that causes me to lock up and feel all hurt.

Yes, I do feel hurt. Especially because my ex said that she never felt I let her come close. She also said she felt like I just waited for her to leave, that I never expected our relationship to last. That is not true. I’ve never let anyone as close as I let her. She was also the first one ever that I actually expected to stay, no matter what. When I finally broke up with her, I still expected us to get back together, because in my mind back then, that was how it should be. That she felt that I felt and thought the complete opposite, that hurt me deeply.

I am also angry at her, because she did not speak up. A relationship cannot work if you do not talk to each other. She said, she had never been able to talk to me. Well, I had difficulties talking too, but at least I tried. I am angry with her for not even trying – she told me afterwards she gave up even trying already in the beginning of our relationship – something I have had difficulties to accept. If I had known that, we would never have lasted as long as we did. A relationship cannot work, if you do not even try to communicate.

So I rationalized that it is okay that I feel hurt and angry, but also that since it’s been a year, I should have been able to accept it and let it go by know. What confused me even more is that I think I have. I get a little irritated and at times I’d just like her to answer the question “Why?” as in why did she stay with me? How on earth did she ever imagine that our relationship would work on those premises? And most of all, if she did not know how to talk to me, that meant she did not let me close to her, so should that not explain why she felt I did not let her close to me? A relationship between two people requires that both people work to make it work, after all.

So, I have this rational feeling that I did feel, but they are starting to fade away, but for some reason I cling to them. I cling to them as a defense shield. I realized, that they are safer for me, that facing what I actually feel. At the same time, clinging to anger and hurt makes me miserable.

Then, somehow, a thought came to me. I do not know from where, I was starting to get so tired at feeling anything, and at think about feelings. So this crazy thought came to me, asking me that if she was so horrible, why was I with her? Well, because I loved her and because she actually ain’t that horrible. She’s actually quite nice. Kinda slow in her actions, and I had a real hard time getting her humor, but other than that she is a really lovely person. She’s kinda “the girl next door”. And she’s an excellent cook. Great at hugging. She has a great deal of patience, which a person wanting to be in my life really needs.

So, what happened to this love? I then find myself asking myself. The critic in me tried to stop myself, coming with arguments like “she lied to me by not telling me she could not talk to me and thus making our entire relationship a lie” and so on. My inner critic did not have enough strength anymore though, so I continued to think about love, and loving my ex.

That was when I put the thought out there, in my head. I finally thought the words. I still love my ex. I am angry and hurt and I love her. At first, I wanted to scream. I mean, that is pathetic, my inner critic told me. It did have even less strength now then. So now that I had taken the lid away, opened the lock, and realized what the conflicting emotion was, it all came out and I realized it was not conflicting.

You see, I have been genuinely happy for my ex, when she found a new girlfriend last winter. Which I have explained with being so angry with her that I don’t care if someone else “has” her. It is not that though, I realized. I am happy for her, because I love her, and I want her to be happy. I hope this new person makes her happy. I did not, and to be frank, she did not make me happy either. Love is not always enough. It should be, but it is not. We were and are so different. I love her, she makes me angry, and she did make me at times more miserable than happy. It took me until now to realize that and confess it though. Someone you love should not be able to make you miserable. I was though. I felt I had to change all the time. She always held me back. I know I can be impulsive, and it is good for me to think before acting, something she thought me, but there is a time when you spend too much time thinking before acting. I spent quite a lot time feeling chained down.

I guess she felt I made her life loose control and get all chaotic though. I run from place to place, so to speak, from her point of view. Not realizing that from my point of view we were crawling  through mud.

So, we made each other unhappy. The two of us together, is not a good thing. I love her, I want her to be happy. I also love myself, and I want to be happy too. I can’t see us together AND happy, so we need to be in other relationships. If she is happy with her new girlfriend, I am happy for her, because I love her. As for me? Like I said, love is a tribble. That I love her, does not mean I cannot love anyone else. As a matter of fact, the more I love, the more love I have to give others.

I love my friends too. I don’t think they know how much. I love my cats. I love my mom and brother. I love a lot. That does not mean there are not room in my heart for loving more people. Or that the love I am capable of feeling for them would in any way be diminished by me also loving others.

Love feeds on love.

I love my ex. I hope she is happy. I love myself and now that I got that lock away, I feel content again. I have a lot going for me. For the first time in my life, I have this last year been trying to figure out what I want with my life. I focus on me. It has been hard, I am kinda lost, but this summer have been incredible. I have not felt this good for years. I have a lot of plans and projects, all of them that helps me feel complete.

I do not have a romantic relationship, but I have friends. And who knows? Maybe I’ll meet someone, someday. That is not the focus of my life though. I have never wanted a clingy and needy relationship – that was one good thing with my ex; she always gave me space. She was not clingy. In my point of view, a good relationship is when both are content with being alone, having their own life and do not need the other one, BUT they chose to be with the other one because they WANT TO (not need to) and the relationship gives both that extra in life that you can live without, but you’d rather not.

Love feeds on love.

And PS. With “love” I do NOT mean “want to have sex with”! Sex and love have surprisingly little to do with each other.

AaarrGGhhhH BlllääääääaauUUHHhhgggrrrrräääärrrggGGG!!!!!!!!!

Feeling anxious and grumpy and like a little child who just do not want to do anything except pout. My right arm and hand has ached a lot the last couple of days, in addition to my tooth. And I do not want to be at this work anymore.

I’m so tired working every weekend. It takes me over an hour to get home and the busses at night – especially weekend nights – are filled of drunk partypeople, who make me feel ugly and boring. And annoyed, extremely annoyed. I do not want to be drunk, I do not want to be one of them. Still, I’m sorrounded at nights, and that’s making me dread the trip home from work.

Last weekend some girl threw up in the bus at the begining of the journey. She left soon after, but the smell remained of course.

And then they are loud and messy and stink of beer.

And I’m just tired and want to get home.

I’m sorry for this I am complaining post, but I’m just so tired and anxious.

Sitting at work, smiling, not showing the anxiety and tiredness.

Just wanna lay down and sleep. 5+ hours left of work today.

AaarrGGhhhH BlllääääääaauUUHHhhgggrrrrräääärrrggGGG!!!!!!!!!

Enter title here

I finally made a decision. I will focus on my writing, and not even try getting myself a studyposition at the University. Maybe it is stupied, but my writing means a lot for me, and thus I will focus on that.

I’m at work today. On my way here, I stopped by the University library. It is open to everyone. From there I borrowed some books on subjects I want to know more about, so that I can better my writing, make my fiction seem and feel more real.

I’ve been oddly tired today though. I have all this writing in my head, I know what I want to write, but I just seem to be stuck. The words don’t form. It has been this way since my flu. I want to write, I want it a lot, but I just can’t.

Maybe I can put my alarm a little later tomorrow. So that I can sleep a little more. Maybe I won’t be tired tomorrow?

Future, Plans and Doing Nothing

I have not written anything here for some time. It all started with a terrible flu and tiredness, which just developed into this kinda writers-block. Not completely but sort of. I have been writing some, especially ideas. I’ve had some ideas I really like. But actually forming my ideas into a story has been slow. I have mostly just written down my ideas.

Another reason for this is that the entrance exam to English is only a month away and I have not been feeling like studying and that has given me a bad conscience. I keep telling myself I should read for English, so I can get a job that has at least a little bit of a better paycheck.

But then I get all these thoughts like, do I really want to? Yes, I do want to learn English, but that is CREATIVE English. In the University, it is all about scientific English and interpreting English and so on. If i manage, I could maybe become a translator. Don’t really want to, but.. I keep telling myself I should.

What I want to do is keep this lousy-paid job I have, that allows me to keep writing. And then I could take some classes in English – creative English. But that would me betting all on my writing! Betting my future on actually be so good I could write a book and get someone to want to publish it and actually selling the book!  I do know I have a good story, but it really requires a LOT of work before it is a book. And will my English develop so that it is so good, that someone will actually try publishing my work. I do know the story is good, and I do feel like working with English as a language is something I keep getting better at. But do I really wanna bet everything on that?

But if I manage to get into the University and study, then almost all my time will go to studies. And I will be studying for years. And that means little to no time to actually focus on my writing and do all the research I need. If I start studying English, my book has no way of happening for many, many years to come, if ever.

If I continue like now, I have the time.

I am in a stage of writing right now, that I have some good ideas, and some writing can be done, but to really go further with my book, I need to do some research. If I start doing the research, that would mean I have no time studying for English.

So, with all these decisions to make, I feel paralyzed. As a result, I just let time go by and do nothing. I have trouble writing, because that makes me feel I do not focus on studying, but at the same time I do not study because I fear that if I do, I will be accepted and then my plans for writing a book will just go up in smoke.

So I just watch time flying by with a bad conscience, not doing much of anything.

Tired

On my way home from work, I was thinking about writing, and planned to do some writing, when I got home. Well, I’m home now… And with no ideas left in me. I’m just tired. It is almost 2 a.m. here, so I guess beeing tired isn’t much of a suprise.

I’m having some green tea, and ate a little bit, soon I will go to bed. Hopefully I’ll get some writing done tomorrow.

I’ve got this problem. I have so many ideas, so much I want done. And so little time. I’m trying to study – and can’t even make up my mind about what! Then there is the writing, and then the hand crafts. I usually knit or crochet, but now I’m planning to take up sewing too. I just have to get me one of those machines… I have an old one, but it ain’t working. So I’m trying to find a newer old one. I don’t have money to buy a new one, but I was thinking of buying one that’s used, but still functional.

So much to do, so little time…

Tomorrow I should here back from the university’s information-office. I asked about geology, if there is some way to “renew” my old degree. Then I hope some books I ordered from the library will have arrived. A couple of physics books should arrive tomorrow.

I’m also going to see my psychologist tomorrow. And I should go to the store, buy some ingredients, I’m making soup on tuesday. And tomorrow I’ve planned to make some berry-porridge. It’s really good, like a snack, but much more healthy. There is some sugar added, but not that much.

And then I was thinking of starting on a crotchetting-project… As I said, so much to do, so little time…

Doctor-Day

Or something like that. I had to get up early today, as I have to go and see my neurologist. After that I have an appointment with my psychologist.

I’m acheing all the time again. It is hard to keep a positive mind, when all the time I’m acheing. Especially my fingers and arms. Today I’ll go to my neurologist and see what she has to say about my “Maybe-Epilepsy” and then I guess tomorrow I’ll have to call the health center and ask for a new appointment with a doctor about my aches.

In the afternoon, a friend will come over, that’s something I’m looking forward to.

I think this is too early. I haven’t woken up enough and I seem unable to form any sort of good text. I guess I’ll continue to drink my coffee, and hopefully I’ll have more to say when I return.

Dang it!

I’m tired. Had difficulties falling asleep last night, and the alarm woke me up so early. Usually I avoid scheduling appointments before noon, but my Doctor is busy and I had to take the time she had to offer, and it was today, 10 a.m. now I’m struggling to keep awake.

We talked about my diagnosis with the doctor – do I have bipolar disorder, or am I more the Borderline-type? I’ve had the so called Borderland-disorder for since 2006, but one year ago they changed it to Bipolar. I do not feel like it though. I’m impulsive and when I get excited about something, I start new things and talk a lot. I also make decisions quite fast.

But still, my mood swings are usually short, the “fast phase” no not last even for the four days required to be hypomania. And more than manic, I’m impulsive.

I have a different doctor now than then, when I got my bipolar diagnosis. She said we don’t have to make decissions right now. I’ll talk about it with my psychologist, and we’ll see. We’ll see if I should have some more medication. More Happy Pills, yei.

Also, I have an appointment with my neurologist in Feburary. Last summer I was maybe-diagnosed with epilepsy. Like everything in my life, it’s not for sure though. The brainwave or whatever they did on me May 2011 indicated something though.

I went throug some testa last spring, because I had these spasms that I couldn’t controll. I didn’t have seizures, but really violent spasms. I had a hard time eating, reading a book or holding anything.

It was concluded that I’m allergic to lithium, which I was on due to the bipolar diagnosis. But before that they did those tests, and they showed something else too. So now I’ve got an neurologist too, not only a shrink. Hallelujah, am I lucky.

And my luck doesn’t stop there. I developed massive jointpain in November – before that, I had some pain, but in November I had to get some sick leave from work, the pain was so bad. It lasted to the beginning of January, because the doctor (a third one!) just took some blood and they didn’t show anything, so he decided I was fine. Even if I was hurting all the time and the smallest tasks made my pain worse. In January I got a new appointment, and this time he wrote me a medicine that increased my paintolerance.

It helped. At least for now. I have started to have pains again, and I am afraid the pain will come back, as it adjusts to this new medicine.

My psychiatrist do seem to believe me, and she said she do not believe that my pain is due to over-weight – as the worst pain is in my fingers, I too have a hard time understanding how my fingers would ache from my weight.

I do know that I should loose some weight, and I am trying. My weight went up again in December, when I had all these pains, cause I couldn’t exercise and I was feeling really depressed and then I have the bad habit of eating a lot.

My Psychiatrist also commented on my blood. The trombolytes are abnormally high, and my red blood cells are unusually small. It could be explained by anemia, but my hemoglobin is fine. I’ve had this on and off for several years. It’s not alarmingly off, but still, it’s strange. Not strange enough to start looking for answers though.

And, last (for now. The inside of my right thumb has for one and a half weeks felt numb. I do feel pressure at the inside of the thumb, but I have difficulties feel the different between hot and cold and between different materials. My Psychiatrist thinks it is neurological, and sain I should tell my neurologist, when I see her in February.

Anyways, even my Psychiatrist concluded that I have all kinds of these small “things”, nothing alarming, but still…

And oh, I forgot maybe the worst of them all! I, at times, suffer from restless legs. That is torture! Such pain that I feel like beating myself up to make the pain less. It’s just so bad. Luckily it doesn’t happen that often, but when it do happen – maybe about once a month – I feel like killing myself just to get away from the pain.

So, there are little this’n’that about my health, but for now, my meds stay as they are. At least until I meat with my neurologist.

Oh, and I talked to my Psychologist about my late creativity, and how I miss it. She said it is possible that my meds influence my creativity, but that that is maybe the price I have to pay to get some kind of stability in my emotions.

I just don’t know if I am ready to pay that price. Give up my dreams, just so I can live a life of boredom?

It is as it Was

I’m just SO tired. Came to work for about 5 hours – today should have been my day off, but one of the others got sick, so I had to jump in and come to work anyways. Well, I get a few bucks more on my paycheck, which is good. Still, I wish I was home in bed right now.

Started this blog yesterday, don’t know why. I figured I’d write something. I just LOVE to write. But I also suffer from almost constant writers block. Ido write my diary everyday, but I’d love to write more serius stuff. I have written some short stories in 2011, but I’m not even close to as productive as I used to be. I figured if I could just make myself write. I guess that’s why I created this blog. Not as a diary – already have one of those – but as a place to exercise my writing.

It’s funny. When I have the time to write, I just can’t get a word written down. But then, when I can’t write – busier time than now at work, or just when I’m about to fall asleep – then I suddenly get some really good stories in my head, and lines that _just fit_.  It’s so typical!

Like now. Down-time at work, have the time to write. And I’m just so tired I feel like my brain don’t work and all I can think about is my bed.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll make myself write some more. Doesn’t matter if I’m tired or not, I’ll make myself write everyday. One day I just have to get over this writers block!!